HORSE  FUN

"The most wasted of all days is  one without laughter." - E.E. Cummings

Archived Horse Fun from 2015:  
January     February

UPDATED  03/07/2015
 

"Classical" Method to Strictly Follow when your Horse is Bucking

1. Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in being bucked off by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel better about their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened. It is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either:
                  a. Someone you admire and want to impress  
                  b. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo
                  c. Someone you like and want to impress
                  d. Your best friend, who will have no compunction in falling over, laughing and pointing


2. Try to be spectacular. I mean, anyone can just get bucked off and land on their backside, can't they? You want to try to make this "the bucking to end all buckings."  The Titanic of bucks. You get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following: An extremely acrobatic horse - you want one of those twisty-turny jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championships; a supple back - you should practice somersaults, pirouettes and handstands at home; a hat- see, I can be sensible!!!

3. It is best if this buck comes at a time when everyone is watching you, but no-one is prepared for it to happen. During a dressage test is good. Your horse should be working nicely, giving no indication that you are about to become "the person who learned to fly." Of course, experts at this will point to the tail swishing, the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but they are show-offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this will look like a dramatic performance which you and your horse have practiced at home. 

4. Let out a blood-curdling yell when the horse leaves the ground, and launches you into the air like a cannon ball. It is far more gratifying for the crowd. Kind of like William Wallace when they cut his, um, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the local rangers knock on your door, asking if you are keeping a wild cougar in your back yard, you will know you have it right. 

5. Try to stay elevated as long as possible. The longer the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as if you were a rag doll, you will achieve additional marks for artistic impression.

6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind that you hear when you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to go "splat", it puts the audience off their hamburgers. 

7. Lie immobile for a while, as your horse runs off and then is brought back to you.  After a suitable time, raise your head and groan to your horse: "Are you happy now?"

  The Warmth Of A Horse

Author Unknown

 When your day seems out of balance and so many things go wrong,
 When people fight around you and the clock drags on so long,
 When some folks act like children and fill you with remorse,
 Go out into your pasture and wrap your arms around your horse.

 His gentle breath enfolds you as he watches with those eyes,
 He may not have a PhD but he is, oh so wise!

His head rests on your shoulder you hug him good and tight,
 He puts your world in balance and makes it seem all right.
 
Your tears will soon stop flowing, the tension will be eased,
 The nonsense has been lifted.  You are quiet and at peace.

 So when you need some balance, From the stresses in your day,
 The therapy you really need, Is out there eating hay!

                     The Horse Dictionary
Arena:
Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.    

Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. 
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections. 
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.