TEN WAYS TO BECOMING A BETTER EQUESTRIAN

10.  Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.  Don't pick it up right away.  Instead, shout, "Get Off, Stupid!  GET OFF!"

9.  Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll into a ball and spring lithely to your feet.

8..  Learn to grab your checkbook and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7.  Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.  Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

6.  Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt.  Smile as if you are having fun.

5.  Hone your fibbing skills:   "See, moving hay bales is FUN!"  and,  "No, really, I'm glad YOUR LUCKY PERFORMANCE and multi-million dollar horse won the class.  I am just thankful that MY HARD WORK and actual ability won me second place."

4.  Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3.  Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen .  .. 

2.  Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience. This is a learning experience.  This is .  .  .."

AND THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:

1.  Remember, its never the horse's fault...
 

HORSEY DEFINITIONS

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show

A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.

Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.

Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".

Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.

Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2)stumbles, 3) falls.
 

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