How to warm up in a hurry on a cold February morning...
Step 1: First, you must have an invalid in the barn
waiting to be fed. Preferably an OTTB who has been
locked up 24/7 for at least 3 weeks with ruptured
tendons and ligaments.
Step 2: Don't bother with expedition type clothing.
Hey, you sat around and waited for it to warm up to 12
degrees before going to the barn. Just pull your barn
coat and wellies on over your flannel pjs.
Step 3: Walk to barn. Observe that horse appears a bit
anxious. Notice that he's dripping sweat from head to
tail. Notice that his eyes look kind of weird. Make
sure to leave the barn doors open just a foot or so.
And don't stand directly in front of the stall as you
are sliding open the stall door.
Step 4: Watch horse go insane. Watch horse crash through
and break the stall chain, while pushing the stall door
open. Watch horse bust through the opening you
carefully left between the main barn doors. Watch
dumbfounded and gobsmacked as horse proceeds to go on a
mad gallop outside the pasture fence, crashing through
the woods, blasting through vines and briars and jumping
fallen trees. Notice that bad leg seems to be working
pretty good.
Step 5: Go after horse. Realize you have nothing in
your hands. Turn around and go back to barn to get
halter and lead rope and treats. Go back out to look for
horse. Horse is not visible but you can hear crashing
around in the woods going toward the main road.
Step 6: Try running in your wellies on the rock-hard,
uneven, frozen ground in the woods as you chase horse.
Trip and fall. Do it again.
Step 7: See horse on a trail. Cut over and get in front
of horse. Jump up and down, wave your arms and yell.
Jump out of the way just as soon as you realize that he
does not even see you and will mow you down if you stand
in his way.
Step 8: Repeat step 7. Again. Again. Once more.
Step 9: By now, you should be very, very warm. Resist
temptation to be snarky when hubby comes out of the nice
warm house and yells over to you - Did you know one of
your horses is loose?
Step 10: Ponder all the ways to define horse's
behavior. Crazy. Psychotic. Berserk. Insane. Lunatic.
Bonkers. Running Amok. Remembering that childhood fear
that your horse will go crazy if he eats locoweed, you
wonder if there really IS a locoweed and if so how the
hell did horse get it?
Step 11: Give up any hope of "catching" him. He is,
after all, on a mission from alien beings who have
instructed him to hunt the demons that live in the
woods. This is the only rational explanation you can
find...
Step 12: Seeing that horse is running the same crazy
loops over and over, you realize that he occasionally
runs back to the barn. Get thee to the front of the
barn and hide and wait until he comes back. Voila -
here he comes - NOW, shut the barn doors behind him as
quick as you can and herd him back into his stall and
slam the stall door shut. Realize that he has spent 20
minutes running around like a lunatic.
Step 13: Don't relax yet. Just as you are about to
stop hyper-ventilating, you realize he is trying to jump
out the lower dutch outside stall door. Think, quick,
which can you find faster, the ACE or a baseball bat?
ACE wins. Yes, you know it will be more effective under
the circumstances if you can get it in a vein. Don't be
stupid. Horse looks like a whirling dervish in the
stall. Draw 5 ccs ACE, ease into the stall, try to calm
horse, then just lunge and stick the neck and push.
Step 14: By now, horse is exhausted, has soaked sweat
through 2 blankets, all the adrenalin has been used up
as he now remembers that his leg is injured and it
HURTS. Horse gives up trying to jump out of the stall.
Stops whirling. You see that the weird - totally insane
- look in his eyes is fading. He realizes you are there
in the stall. He comes to you, limping, drenched with
sweat, looking pitiful because his leg hurts and he just
wants you to scratch his head.
Step 15: Spend the next 24 hours worrying that he will
colic and worrying that he has really re-injured the leg
that had been making progress, and wondering just what
the hell triggered this psychotic break. Finally decide
the colic risk has passed, the leg seems better than you
expected and you begin to hold out hope that he has
survived his bout of alien demonic
possession without too much collateral damage.
Finally, regain sense of humor, chuckle now that it's
over, and decide to entertain your FOL friends with the
story of the Equine Jailbreak.
Now, pour a glass of something you enjoy, curl up in front of the fire
and relax.
Home,
home on the range…